“The Scuzzies” is a 15 minute short film that’s like a Saturday Morning Cartoon made for misanthropic hippy kids that like to mix tidepod colored mushrooms and goats blood into their sugary breakfast cereals.
“WOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!”You probably just exclaimed out-loud while your loved ones judged you (as they should).
“HOW THE FUCK DO I SEE THIS OBVIOUS MASTERPIECE???” Well, glad you asked! There’s a few different ways actually, so lets run them down!
#1. YouTube – That’s right, the film is currently on YouTube (link below) BUT there’s a catch… YouTube tends to delete most of my videos, and I’ve been deleted from vimeo several times now. In the last few years its been really hard to keep stuff up, and there’s no Viagra for YouTube (badum-ching). So I had to prepare a “Neutered-Circumcised-Cut-Version” for the platform. Whats missing you might ask? Not much, it’s mostly pixelated genitals and other achievements of obvious artistic maturity and/or integrity, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT! The point is it’s about, uh, like artistic expression MAN! Not because I’m broken-down recluse in his mid-30s who still has a 12 year olds sense of humor. ITS BECAUSE I’M A SOPHISTICATED ARTIST WITH A VISION YOU PIECE OF SHIT!! Plus In addition to missing integrity, it also only has the crummy limp-dicked 2.0 Stereo audio and who the fuck still watches movies with stereo audio?? That’s like having a chance to bang the prom queen but you chose to get a handjob from a homeless man behind the Safeway….. Again
“ALRIGHT FINE THEN YOU CONVINCED ME! HOW DO I SEE THIS MAGICAL UNCIRCUMCISED VERSION?” You scream out-loud, making poor Granny leave another shit stain on the couch. (seriously, you need to settle the fuck down). But you can also….
#2. Buy An Uncut 5.1 Audio Digital Download w/ Bonus Commentary! – So I’m trying a new experiment with this release, I’ve prepared a high quality 1080p H.264 MP4 file that has the full Uncut version with 5.1 Audio and a bonus audio commentary. It can be purchased for the low, low price of $2.99 USD OR even better, you can get it for FREE with the purchase of a beautiful 18×24 poster print of the above artwork OR with the purchase of a sticker+button pack. All orders come with free autographs and can be purchased from the store section.
The Scuzzies ultimately was a render experiment that became way bigger than I originally planned. I’m really proud of it and I think its a new level of achievement for me. I spent the last couple of years taking non-stop freelance jobs to get together enough money to blow on more powerful rendering equipment. So now I have a house full of over-priced video cards (that can also double as space heaters) but also ended up falling way behind on my own work. But now I’m ready to start producing stuff on a more consistent basis and I want this the be the first seed before I start doing “deeper” stuff.
Basically, the TLDR of all this is if you like this weird shit and want to contribute to making more balls-to-the-wall animated films, buying a cheap download/poster/sticker/WHATEVER is the best way to do it.
#1 How do I play this stupid file I just wasted my drug money on?
Basically any computer media player or streaming media box should be able to play it with out any problems. I used basic-bitch encoding settings so any dumbass who has family and friends and doesn’t spend all day every day sitting in front of computers should be able to play it. If you still can’t get it to play you’re probably a lost cause anyway and its time to call one of your less attractive friends over to show you how to do things.
#2 What about the alleged commentary you’ve been promising, how do I play that??
The same way you would any regular DVD/Bluray, just switch the audio tracks as you’re watching. If you’re using something like Windows Media player, VLC, Itunes, etc. You typically right click and find the audio menu and then select the alternate track.
#3 I bought and downloaded the file but i’m still having trouble playing it, what can I try?
The most common problem I’ve come across so far are people not downloading the complete file before attempting to play it. The file should be around 575 Mb, so if your final file isn’t that big try redownloading it again. If it still doesn’t download all the way contact me and I’ll send you a couple direct links to try
#4 Can’t I stream the uncut version for fucks sake? I don’t feel like downloading and storing shit!
Not at the moment, maybe i’ll figure it out later, but probably not. I’m busy and/or important! You should start hoarding digital files anyway. You never know whats gonna happen in this Topsy-Turvy upside down world of streaming monopolies and subscription based content delivery, So why not keep a copy of The Scuzzies on your hard drive for the day when the internet stops working and we remember what it feels like to have love and hope in our hearts again.
#5 What about a Bluray/DVD/VHS/HD-DVD/LaserDisc release?
Eventually, but it seems like a waste to do it with just one 15 minute film. When I have enough shorts together I’ll collect them into some kind of release. But if you want to help support the cause, buy a poster or stickers or send me the souls of your unborn children in an 8×10 manila envelope.
#6 Does this pair of pants make my ass look fat?
Absolutely! But I’ll always lie and tell you otherwise.